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Usenet Humour

Define Windows 95?

I always thought this to be the most concise definition not only of Windows 95 — in a way that short sentence encapsulates neatly how Information Technology works (or rather doesn't work):

• Windows 95: n. 32 bit extension and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

This one also hits the nail squarely on the head:

• Q: What machine does Windows 95 run best on? A: A 35mm slide projector.

The Penis Length Survey

The following posting comes from the earliest times of the Usenet, circa mid-1981 when it was still a nice, clean place. It doesn't prove much, but at least we can surmise that the really important questions are even now, more than thirty years later, still really important.

I have embellished the text with a few carefully thought-out remarks [in these]. Okay, here goes:

Men are notorious liars about their penis length [Oh, are they indeed?], so I have devised the following short and foolproof test [foolproof? This chap is clearly a hopeless optimist]:

1. Disrobe [perhaps not really appropriate in a cube farm] and stand by your keyboard [he means keyboard turned by 90 degrees]. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the 1 key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key [yeah, everybody knows lumberjacks carry the biggest testicles]).
2. Grasp your *thing* [exactly: that one] in your right hand and slap it firmly [but please not too firmly] across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my [this means his, not my] result is 1234567890-+ with the backspace key having removed the ` [nice detail, this one. Or is he one of the notorious liars?].)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy [oops, don't have it handy, sorry], open to the centerfold [I don't know what the heck is to be seen there] at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your _thing_ on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl [ah, a girl] pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground [levitation?]. Repeat the above test.
4. Please post your results to net.general [no, please don't] and I'll summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.

Cautions:

• Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
• Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.
• If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first [hm… even in pre-AIDS times?].
• On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT [is this an early form of safer sex?].

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

Test Results	Diagnosis
1	You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.
12367	You have a strange gap in your penis.
12efgbn	Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\	Seek immediate medical care.

Communism vs Capitalism

Another favourite from the Usenet, also rather ancient:

• A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make: he could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. “What's it like in there?” asked Dave.
• “Well,” Rockefeller replied, “in Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”
• “But that's terrible!” gasped Dave. “I'm going to check out Communist Hell!” He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
• “In Communist Hell,” said Marx impatiently, “they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”
• “But… but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!” protested Dave. “True… theoretically,” sighed Marx, “but in practice we often don't have oil, we don't have knives…”

The Frog

This one is self-explanatory.

• A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him. The frog said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” The man bent over, picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. The frog was slightly confused but then spoke again: “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for a whole week!”
• The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog was flabbergasted and after a few seconds cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you for a full month and I will do *anything* you want.” Again the man took out the frog, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
• Now the frog was silent for a very long time. Finally it asked, “So what is it, then? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a month and that I will do *anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?” The man took out the frog and said, “Look, I'm a computer programmer and I have no time for girlfriends. But a talking frog… now that's a really cool thing.”

Great Lines From Job Evaluations

Here's what you always suspected the guys in Human Resources are really doing — writing up funny reports after another successful job interview. A sample of their output follows:

• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't-be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
• A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• One-celled organisms would outscore him in IQ tests.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
• Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Some Eternal Laws And Truths

Everyone knows Murphy's Law: whatever can go wrong will go wrong. (This is of course the watered-down, optimistic version.) Murphy has spawned many other laws, corollaries and observations. Here is a sampling of the more important ones:

• Immediately after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
• Identical parts never are. --Beach's Law
• Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop
• Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law
• If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law
• The solution to a problem will change the problem. --Peer's Law
• There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it can't be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law
• Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle
• The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage. --Dilbert's Principle
• The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's Law
• It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. --Ralph's Observation
• If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment
• The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down. --Law of Inevitable Consequences
• Thinly sliced cabbage and carrots. --Cole's Law
• Cleanliness is next to impossible. --O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. --Lieberman's Law
• Virtue is its own punishment. --Denniston's Observation
• If the shoe fits, it's ugly. --Gold's Law
• A closed mouth gathers no feet. --Finster's Law
• Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's Razor (This is actually a quotation out of a novel by Robert Heinlein. “Hanlon” seems to be a corruption of Heinlein.)
• If it's green and wriggles: biology. If it stinks: chemistry. If it doesn't work: physics. --Fitzgerald's Handy Guide to Science
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. --Stewart's Law of Retroaction
• History doesn't repeat itself, historians repeat each other. --Thucydides' First Rule of History
• Never be afraid to try something new: an amateur built the ark, but professionals built the Titanic. --Randy's Maxim

If you liked these splinters from the net and want more of the same, I gladly oblige.

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$updated from: Usenet Humour.htxt Thu 27 Apr 2017 10:06:48 thomasl (By Thomas Lauer)$